(I ran this column by a wise woman, who is a widow and has gone through many difficult experiences in her life, to see if she would filter these thoughts for sensitivity. She understood and found the humor in it too. Since each person’s perspective is unique, I believe that understanding each other is a key. And so I can dare to write from where I am at the present time.)
***
“Don’t leave the party early!”
This thought came to me one evening while outside doing chores. The cold gray winter sky gave a mournful feeling to the night. I thought it was a strange idea to come into my mind at that time because I had been thinking of the people who had touched my life but now were gone.
I was also dealing with physical pain that was capturing my mind with pulsating thoughts of “how do you make it through?”
And so the thought of a party didn’t seem too logical. “Life”... as a “party”? I don’t think so. There have been so many painful times. On the other hand, I have met so many wonderful people.
So as I did chores I took time to mull over this “party” concept in my mind.
If someone leaves a party early it may be that they have other plans. Or they had to be home at a certain time. It comforted me to think about their leaving in this way.
But what about those left behind? Like, what if I had been the “date” of the person who left? And what about being in physical pain?
Or was this thought just meant as a warning to me... not to leave the “party” early?
Another thought that overwhelmed me was how messy my work space was at home. Sometimes I just grimace when I look at the folders and stuff piled on the floor around my desk.
And I cringed when I thought of someone else trying to clean it up, if I “left the party” early. That would be embarrassing.
Then there’s the memory of a relative who “left” too soon, it seemed. Later, when her house was sold, some of us went to help her kids clear it out.
It wasn’t a mess like at my house. It was just the effort to organize things to give away. But still it was a daunting job.
And so one relative commented to me that she was going to have to straighten up her things so her children wouldn’t have to go through this.
I replied, “Well, I’m not. I’m going to get back at my kids for the messy bedrooms they had when they were teenagers!”
Another thought came when a friend explained that they were working their way through grieving in this New Year. Not just for themselves but for what others were going through.
I understood her thought. But then I don't think we ever get done grieving... we just give our thoughts a different name... and our feelings become more contemplative... and somehow we survive.
Then the beauty that we saw before touches us again... although only moment by moment... as short breaths in time.
And it is good.
